This Is Why No Work Ever Gets Done

When I am on the computer. Because really, the computer is my greatest source of procrastination, and that is saying a lot, since I procrastinate a lot.

But here are the computer-related reasons why I haven't been getting any substantial work done lately (these are all approximates):

• In a mix of marketing genius and sheer cuteness, Mozilla has most likely killed hundreds of thousands of "productivity minutes" by adopting two firefox cubs and, sadly, naming them "cub #1" and "cub #2." I mean, seriously? I know they're temporary names, but still. The overhead cam is by far the best, because you get to see them in their entirety no matter where they happen to drop and nap. [Productivity minutes wasted: 20]
• Every time I see an article (or anything, really) on math that I know a little bit about I get really excited. So guess how I spent a lot of my time? P.S.: That last one I have not read through completely, but it sounds really cool and it also mentions times when other regression models (such as chi-squared) should be used instead, which is really helpful. [Productivity minutes wasted: 250; including the other math and science articles that I have not linked to because there are too many of them]
• After much consideration, I have decided that my next blog will be on food. Or at least taking pictures of food. Because food is so, so good and I don't know how I can ever live without it. Also, Yuma, if you're reading this, can we make the second-to-last recipe? [Productivity minutes wasted: 400]
• There is so much I do not know about Toronto, despite having lived there for three years. Did you know I had never heard of Transit City? But I have to say, if costs were not in consideration (I can't comment on that because I haven't researched into how much either project will cost), I like the idea of Transit City better than Ford's idea of expanded subway lines, if only because I think more light will be good for otherwise already probably pretty frustrated commuters. [Productivity minutes wasted: 120]
• I am a sucker for pretty graphs and other pictures. Always. 100% of the time. [Productivity minutes wasted: 45]
• This blog. [Productivity minutes wasted: 180]

Total time wasted spent: 1015 minutes, or nearly 17 hours.

Generalizations And My Inherent Laziness

When I say "I don't know," half the time I do know, but I feel disinclined to say what I know out loud. It has been a point of contention between my parents and me. They have been trying to get me to say every thought I have, instead of keeping them all within my head.

It doesn't work that way, I want to tell them, but that would require actually saying the words out loud, and that is exactly the problem.

A vicious cycle.

I have been wondering lately if I have been turning this blog into a diary. There are so many "thoughts" posts, and not enough "events" posts or "story" posts. So much inner monologue. Like Hamlet.

So to make amends I will talk about math team, as I have promised (many, many times).

. . .

Since our last math meet was also Argon's birthday, Yuma and I tried out this really cool cake mix and whipped cream cookies recipe. Except it turned out to be more like cake. I think it was because we put all the batter on one tray, because we were running out of time, so the resulting glob of stuff was too thick and therefore did not have cookie chewy/crunchy consistency.

Oh well. It was still really delicious.

On the bus ride to Spearheadville, Bryant, Tybalt, and Dino started talking about college. Which reminds me, Penn's ED results are out next Friday! Can you believe it? Less than a week away! It is both exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time, and I don't know (really) which one is winning right now.

Anyway, college has definitely overtaken our lives. Perhaps things will get better in a month or so?

Once there, we found our normal banished-to-the-corner tables, and started our normal soda-talk, commonly known as, "Did you know there is partially brominated fats in opaque-looking sodas?" And then everyone at the table deciding to drink only the transparent sodas. And then Grob coming over and grabbing the one soda with said fats in it.

We had a short-lived discussion on whether Grob will turn out okay after freshman year, as Micro had. I sure hope so. And maybe he will start taking those headphones out of his ears, because he is missing crucial advice (we did warn him about the soda, but he didn't hear).

Then came the actual competition (and food). I did rather horribly this time, but the questions (matrices aside) were really fun. Team round too, although I didn't really like the geometry question this time. Too much guessing and checking.

I did my French homework after that, so I missed out on lots of conversation (but I did catch Tybalt showing Argon, Reno, and Summer the projectile launch lab—the one with the moving car—because they were doing stationary target launches).

That is all I really remember for now. Oh, and the bus ride home, but that was self-explanatory and I actually don't remember much from it anyway.

Revisiting The Past, v.infinity

[I have not forgotten about the math meet, not yet. The post for that is sitting in my drafts right now, and I am thinking about writing that as soon as possible, which, knowing me, may take a very, very long time. But now I know how to solve this backlogging!]

If I were honest with myself, I would realize immediately that the reason I keep going to the past is because I want something from it. I am the first to claim that I do not like my past (it is not a subject I would freely talk about in front of other people, anyway), but I also admit I write about it a lot. Something about it is comforting, and it holds something I am seeking, so I keep coming back to it.

Likewise, I keep on holding on to people who I should have let go a long time ago. I think I have forgotten them, but some way or the other I see them again, and I can't help but dredge up the old ties. This is still novel to me. The idea that people can "go way back." So I am still fascinated by it, ridiculous as it is.

And here I am again. Sifting through old emails, and I can't help but search up his name.

How many times have I berated myself for doing this? Why can't I let go? I do not love him anymore, that much I know. Gone are the gut-wrenching days. I would like to say that this is merely curiosity, or habit, a habit reinforced no less than a thousand times.

The thing is, all of this was so, so ridiculous. I was a naive, misguided idiot back then. I had an excuse (no matter how poor). Do I still have that excuse now?

So much can change in three years.

Yet so much can stay the same. My love (and often hate, too) for clichés stayed. As did that illogical avoidance of sunlight and blue skies. This talking about the past, I think that stayed too.

November makes me remember, though. It could be the dreary cold (I have been in more colder places but they received a brighter dose of afternoon sunlight even in the winters). It could be the past coincidences, but that would be too simple, wouldn't it? Something as simple as that could not possibly be causing me so much grief. Or sorrow. Or just quiet reflection, because the color has already seeped out of what I used to feel, and now there is just a faded resemblance of the past.

But it is December now.

A good month. Filled with festive cheer, and a sprinkling of hope. Glittering ice and fluffy snow. The promise of something magnificent transformed within a night. I am entranced by December's charm, the way it takes away the oppressive but clearly resonating autumn with a wave of its hand.

Too surreal. Much too surreal, and that is why I love it so much. Not—oh, how could it?—because it reminds me of the past as well.

There is a part of me that knows I can never truly walk away. That I am still hanging on to the mementos, subconsciously. My means of daily conversation is proof of that. The way I get home. My double-take on first impressions.

It is all there, however vague it needs to be.

. . .

I am working on my LitEx paper, somewhat, although I do not know at all where I want to go with it. I will have to think of something, and soon, because the outline is due Monday morning.

What do I want to write?

Do I even have a thesis?

I said I would talk about the subconsciousness. I think I want to talk about how the subconscious, complete with its host of prejudices and preconceptions and silly past grudges, is more in control of our decisions than our conscious, logical mind. That is arguable, right?

Although you could rarely persuade me otherwise. Because my past is more in control of me than my rationality is. And in truth this is just an expansion of what I believe, except corroborating it with evidence from texts.

Now I need specific evidence, and nonfiction ones at that.