Christine O'Donnell, Republican (and Tea Party) candidate for the 2010 Delaware Senate special election, has a series of political ads where she says, "I'm not *insert whatever it is she says she's not*, I'm you."
Well, you know what, dad? I'm not Christine O'Donnell. I'm not you.
This comes after my dad's latest rejection of my common app essay. Basically, his logic is, "If I don't like this essay, then you're not submitting it." Which is fine, I suppose, since he's paying for the application fee, but it's not fine when his idea of an acceptable essay happens to only look like one thing.
He even said, "It's all right if you copy my words, as long as they're good."
No, dad, it's not all right. I'm not translating your work. I'm writing my damn college essay, and I'd like it to be about me, thank you very much. Which means, if you don't quite grasp it yet, that I'd like to use my own words to write about things that I feel are important to me.
I think he's more worked up about this whole process than I am. Like in Death of a Salesman. Pushing all of his dreams and hopes onto me, except I'm a loser-ish kind of daughter, and not the perfect overachiever he'd hoped for. But I'm still his daughter, I suppose, and his only one, so he alternates between life-is-all-good gushy happiness and what-the-hell-you're-such-an-idiot rage moments. Seriously, he has mood swings. And I know it's a bit ridiculous, but I'm rather glad he's in Florida right now. Because then I can turn down the volume on the phone and not listen to him scream when he does fall into his all-hell-has-broken-loose persona.
I am so close to just telling him I won't do any of this. Like, not apply to any school that requires an essay. Basically, any school in Canada. And just not putting up with all of this crap.
But it's my future, and I rather like Penn, so I want to do this. And I kind of hate him for making it come down to this, but I guess it's a life lesson in some ways. We can't all have what we want, and there are always the over-controlling supervisors (or so I've heard), and I need to learn how to deal with this so I don't get heart attacks in the future.
(Plus, I can't really hate him, because after all he's my dad and he's not always awful, just sometimes. But I digress.)
Also, my parents believe I must have learned some really great life lesson from all of my moving and such. They want me to write about it, and they think I can write something really great about it. I don't know what to tell them. "No, mom, I didn't really learn that if I work hard I'll always achieve my dreams even in adversity. I just learned that if you didn't belong to begin with you'll always feel like you don't really belong." I also learned that there is no such thing as forever, gee isn't that optimistic? I didn't learn those standard, heart-rending things they want me to talk about.
I've learned to survive, yes. But that is different depending on the person. My version of survival is living in the present. Their version is striving for success. I am okay with drifting. They are not.
I am searching for something, that is it. I am searching, perhaps for that ever elusive home, perhaps for an identity, perhaps just for a sense of peace and freedom. And it's stupid, because my going to college is against what I really want right now, and especially my following what my parents want me to do. But I don't know what to do otherwise. I am at a loss, and with no physical survival skills whatsoever, I am afraid to take that step.
I'm not you, yes, but I'm not me either.
I don't know who I am.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Without A Doubt
I am confused. Not that I had not been before, but I am increasingly more so. It is a tricky, entangling path to go down, especially now. With everything going on, college and everything. Everything now is about college. In fact, I should be writing my college essays right now, or at least do something productive, but instead (and as I have done so for pretty much every one of my free-writes in English), I'm trying to figure things out in hopes of not being plagued by all of these thoughts when I should be working.
But first. I'm going to have to say that, in the past few days (note: 10 +/-3 days with a 95% confidence level), I have read all 1300+ PHD comics. I'd show you some of my favorites, but I don't remember the links to them. I did show them all to Yuma though, so if anyone's interested, I can pull up our chat logs and search for them (among all the other links/sources of procrastination we shared).
Basically, I haven't gotten as much work as I'd like done. Although I have been really productive in getting homework done, surprisingly. I have most of next week's homework done by now (of those that I know, anyway). It's just that when I stare at my essays, I don't want to write them. At all.
Yuma too, actually. We've been talking about getting our essays done (he's writing his Caltech one, and I'm working on my new Chicago one), and it's been a rather pitiful struggle.
But I don't like talking about college stuff. So, in other news:
I am on disc 5 of my 12-disc audio book, Loving Frank. It's rather fast-paced, and I can't think of anything to describe it better than to say that [spoiler alert] in these four discs I've heard so far, the protagonist goes from Chicago to Boulder, Colorado, to Germany to France. Plus she falls in love with another married man and both her husband and the guy's wife know about this affair, and by the end of the fourth disc, pretty much everyone she knows (i.e. the entire city of Chicago) knows as well.
I wonder what the next 8 discs will be about?
The abstract says that it's based on a real story, and the guy was a pretty famous architect too (he's mentioned in this other book or something I read the other day), so I think if I wiki'd them, I'd get the plot of the entire story. But Mr. Littney says we should be focusing on the listening process, so I have a good ten hours or so more to go through. He also said we should have this done in the next two weeks. It's taken me a month to listen to four discs.
Fun. Very fun. You'll probably see me walking around the halls with my headphones more often now.
But of course, I have to go back to my confusion topic, because that was mostly why I started writing this (and also because I've been neglecting my reader-base of five these days). And since it's late, and I really should get to work, I'll make it simple.
I'd like to know how people think about me. Especially a certain few people. But since I can't figure it out (maybe my lack of sleep has something to do with it—I've been staying up to the wee hours lately doing little), and since I don't particular know if I want to know (I'm treading this line where everything is nice right now and I don't want more, but I'm afraid that the balance is going to tip soon), I guess it'll remain an open question.
One day. Maybe. But for now I'm going to focus on my essays.
But first. I'm going to have to say that, in the past few days (note: 10 +/-3 days with a 95% confidence level), I have read all 1300+ PHD comics. I'd show you some of my favorites, but I don't remember the links to them. I did show them all to Yuma though, so if anyone's interested, I can pull up our chat logs and search for them (among all the other links/sources of procrastination we shared).
Basically, I haven't gotten as much work as I'd like done. Although I have been really productive in getting homework done, surprisingly. I have most of next week's homework done by now (of those that I know, anyway). It's just that when I stare at my essays, I don't want to write them. At all.
Yuma too, actually. We've been talking about getting our essays done (he's writing his Caltech one, and I'm working on my new Chicago one), and it's been a rather pitiful struggle.
But I don't like talking about college stuff. So, in other news:
I am on disc 5 of my 12-disc audio book, Loving Frank. It's rather fast-paced, and I can't think of anything to describe it better than to say that [spoiler alert] in these four discs I've heard so far, the protagonist goes from Chicago to Boulder, Colorado, to Germany to France. Plus she falls in love with another married man and both her husband and the guy's wife know about this affair, and by the end of the fourth disc, pretty much everyone she knows (i.e. the entire city of Chicago) knows as well.
I wonder what the next 8 discs will be about?
The abstract says that it's based on a real story, and the guy was a pretty famous architect too (he's mentioned in this other book or something I read the other day), so I think if I wiki'd them, I'd get the plot of the entire story. But Mr. Littney says we should be focusing on the listening process, so I have a good ten hours or so more to go through. He also said we should have this done in the next two weeks. It's taken me a month to listen to four discs.
Fun. Very fun. You'll probably see me walking around the halls with my headphones more often now.
But of course, I have to go back to my confusion topic, because that was mostly why I started writing this (and also because I've been neglecting my reader-base of five these days). And since it's late, and I really should get to work, I'll make it simple.
I'd like to know how people think about me. Especially a certain few people. But since I can't figure it out (maybe my lack of sleep has something to do with it—I've been staying up to the wee hours lately doing little), and since I don't particular know if I want to know (I'm treading this line where everything is nice right now and I don't want more, but I'm afraid that the balance is going to tip soon), I guess it'll remain an open question.
One day. Maybe. But for now I'm going to focus on my essays.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Honesty First
On the online application for any retail job at a Stop&Shop store, it asks (something along these lines), "Have you ever taken supplies from the store (minor office supplies not included) without telling your store manager?"
Then you get to choose how much you took or, if you didn't take anything, the "none" option.
For the ShopRite application, not only does it warn you that the application will take around 45-60 minutes, it also makes you sign up for an account so you can save your information prior to submitting. I don't understand why they can't just make the applications shorter and cut out some of the stupid questions. Like, have you stolen money from your previous employer?
Seriously? If I had, would I be telling you?
Anyway. Bryant today tried to tell me about his woeful Friday, when he has five tests, and I nodded along, trying to pretend I was paying attention. Honestly, Bryant, I don't care how many tests you have. Stop complaining to me. I've got enough to worry about for myself.
But of course, instead of saying that out loud, I listened to him speculate that we would have a multi test within this week. And whine about his utexas. Among numerous other things I would not have expected to come from him, but since I never really sat close to him for extended periods of time, maybe I've just not been exposed to his more, uh, not content side.
In other (more interesting, perhaps) news, the Penn representative who was supposed to come to our school today did not show up. Or at least, I think she did not show up. The bell rang fifteen minutes after she was supposed to come, and I had an econ test next, so I told myself, "Oh, I'll wait a few more minutes." Then I saw Mr. Wollen walk by the door, so I decided, oh well, econ test is more important than listening to something I probably know already anyway.
I got an email later from my counselor saying that the rep is coming on Thursday. During my free.
A little sacrifice, but I can deal with that. I mean, I'm applying ED to this school, I should be able to sacrifice some things.
Which reminds me, yesterday, after I asked Bryant if he had a blue tie (he doesn't, but he has a red one and gold one), he randomly asked, "Just out of curiosity, where are you applying early?"
I wonder how long he's been waiting to ask me that?
I asked Dino too (about the tie), and he said, "I don't have any ties," and refused to answer my question as to why his profile picture clearly shows him in a tie. Then, as I elaborated that I'd like stripes on that tie, he asked, "Are you kidding?" Way to trust my totally legitimate inquiries.
Later on, he told me that Tybalt had such a tie, which is a complete lie.
Then you get to choose how much you took or, if you didn't take anything, the "none" option.
For the ShopRite application, not only does it warn you that the application will take around 45-60 minutes, it also makes you sign up for an account so you can save your information prior to submitting. I don't understand why they can't just make the applications shorter and cut out some of the stupid questions. Like, have you stolen money from your previous employer?
Seriously? If I had, would I be telling you?
Anyway. Bryant today tried to tell me about his woeful Friday, when he has five tests, and I nodded along, trying to pretend I was paying attention. Honestly, Bryant, I don't care how many tests you have. Stop complaining to me. I've got enough to worry about for myself.
But of course, instead of saying that out loud, I listened to him speculate that we would have a multi test within this week. And whine about his utexas. Among numerous other things I would not have expected to come from him, but since I never really sat close to him for extended periods of time, maybe I've just not been exposed to his more, uh, not content side.
In other (more interesting, perhaps) news, the Penn representative who was supposed to come to our school today did not show up. Or at least, I think she did not show up. The bell rang fifteen minutes after she was supposed to come, and I had an econ test next, so I told myself, "Oh, I'll wait a few more minutes." Then I saw Mr. Wollen walk by the door, so I decided, oh well, econ test is more important than listening to something I probably know already anyway.
I got an email later from my counselor saying that the rep is coming on Thursday. During my free.
A little sacrifice, but I can deal with that. I mean, I'm applying ED to this school, I should be able to sacrifice some things.
Which reminds me, yesterday, after I asked Bryant if he had a blue tie (he doesn't, but he has a red one and gold one), he randomly asked, "Just out of curiosity, where are you applying early?"
I wonder how long he's been waiting to ask me that?
I asked Dino too (about the tie), and he said, "I don't have any ties," and refused to answer my question as to why his profile picture clearly shows him in a tie. Then, as I elaborated that I'd like stripes on that tie, he asked, "Are you kidding?" Way to trust my totally legitimate inquiries.
Later on, he told me that Tybalt had such a tie, which is a complete lie.
