Feelings, How Fickle You Are

If you asked me a week ago, I would have said I wanted to go to Penn. Unequivocally.

Did I believe it?

Deep down, I have always wondered if I was ready to choose one path and stick with it yet. I don't think I'm cut for med school because I can't say, right here and right now, "I want to be a doctor. Nothing else." I can't do that. I have vague ideas, but nothing solid.

So why Penn?

Luckily, Penn deviated from its traditional "Why Penn?" essay two years ago. Now, it asks for specifics. The small things. I can say those, even if they may not be necessarily true. I made a journal of my future day at Penn and included all of the things I wanted to do.

But what would make me choose Penn over another school?

What would make me choose Chicago over another school?

Chicago's decisions come out tomorrow. I want to know, in a perverse, curious way. I do not care for the school—I applied because it was an early action choice and because it was in Chicago. I hold ties to places I have lived in before. The land calls out to me and stirs within me some sentimental frivolity. So I applied to Chicago.

Am I going to be accepted?

I want to know because I want a definite answer, because I don't want to wait, because it is so close. And while I was so calm going into Penn's decisions, I am strangely anxious. Is it because I have been deferred once? Or is it because I just want to be accepted by Chicago? If it is the former, why wasn't I nervous before, even though I knew I didn't really have a chance at Penn? If it is the latter, why do I want to be accepted to a school that attracts me only because of its location?

Am I lying to myself? Do I even know what I want?

Maybe on some subconscious level, I want Chicago for whatever reason I have long since forgotten. Returning to past lands is always a reason, but then I could apply to Northwestern and be even closer. Is there something else?

I don't know.

What would make me choose Chicago over another school? Or, more precisely, what would make me choose Chicago over McGill?

Is it because some stubborn, vain part of me does not wish to return to Canada, because it would seem like such a defeat, if I came out here for three years only to go back again. I am not applying to Toronto for that reason. I would feel so much regret I don't think I would be able to truly enjoy my first few months there.

So what about McGill?

What about McGill?

It is a good school. Has a program I really want (joint major in biology and mathematics). One of the best med school in Canada. In the beautiful city of Montreal. Lovely, lovely school. I can even practice my French there.

So what about McGill?

If I am accepted at Chicago, or anywhere else that is not in Canada, what will I do?

The knee-jerk reactions is, "I'll go there. I'm not going to McGill if I can go somewhere else."

Really? Is that what I want?

Chicago doesn't have an engineering school. But it does have a strong economics department. McGill is not best known for that—Queens is, UBC is. It is not best known for engineering either—Toronto is, Waterloo is.

So I guess it should come down to what I want to do with my life. Going back to the med school statement, I don't know if I can make a decision yet.

Should.

Why am I so eager to choose Chicago over McGill then?

Is Chicago that lovely? Yes, it is. Of course it is. Is that my only reason? No, it is not. It cannot possibly be the only reason.

Is it because I am afraid of the huge class sizes at McGill? Is it because I am afraid I will not be able to compete against so many people? Is it because I feel as though I deserve so much more than McGill?

Do I? Do I really? Do I even deserve McGill, or is it the more relaxed system towards US high school students?

This is all stupid. I will know if I am accepted, deferred, or rejected soon enough. Tomorrow. And then I can say what I will choose based on what I am given. But if I could choose any school, I don't know what the triggering factor is that would make me instantly pick Chicago over McGill.