Heaven Isn't Nirvana: A Death Note Fic

AN: So I was bored yesterday, after the giddy rush of the surprisingly not-hardness of my chem midterms, and I started reading Death Note fanfictions. (Mainly because I haven't in such a long time, since I've been preoccupying my time with D.Gray-Man and Harry Potter fanfictions.) And then I decided to write one, so it turned out like this. I was going to post it on fanfiction.net, but I can't remember my account details.

Oh well.

Well, here it is! (Because I'm now also too lazy to write an actual post.) Oh, and it doesn't make that much sense unless you've read/watched Death Note, so if you haven't, here's a basic background/character description:

My story's set after Matt and Mello dies. They died because Mello tried to kidnap some girl to get more information on a mass-murderer (Kira) that he and his rival, Near, are trying to find. While kidnapping this girl, Matt stays behind to distract the crowd, and the crowd shoots at him. Mello later on dies too, without finding out who Kira is.

Other notes: Mello's got anger-management problems, Matt's addicted to gaming, Near almost never shows emotions and likes to figure out the probability of things happening, Kira's killing criminals in the name of justice, and in their world, select people can see shinigamis (those creatures that control life and death) after touching this notebook called the death note. It's a weird world.

But anyway. Onwards with the story!

Heaven Isn't Nirvana: A Death Note fic.

(set after Matt&Mello's death, with some events of the original story but without Near's explanations)

If Matt had known how he would die, he would have hesitated before agreeing to Mello's impulse of pride. Everyone from Wammy's knew Near could not be beat, no matter what the cost. Sometimes Matt wondered if Near could surpass L. That was their ultimate goal, wasn't it? For every orphan at Wammy's, surpassing L was their only goal.

Or it should have been. But none of the other orphans had the heart to compete against Near, no one except Mello. For children as smart as they were, they knew their limits. They knew how far away and unreachable Near's pedestal was, and they knew they were better off not even trying.

Mello knew too. He must have. But Mello always gave in to his emotions, and Matt knew that would be his downfall. Mello never gave up, no matter what the circumstances were. That was why Matt liked Mello better. Mello was straightforward with his approach, with none of the guessing and dodging of the other kids--well, at least not as much as the other kids.

Still. Had Matt known he would die, and in such a way, he would have hesitated. But he would still have gone on. Because, really, Matt knew he was going to die, if only deep down. Matt knew Mello was going to die too, and that Near was going to win the ultimate game. Near would best all of them, but he would lose to all of them as well. With L, Matt, and maybe even Mello gone, Near was alone.

Alone in a world that could not possibly appreciate him in the way he wanted to be appreciated. Alone without anyone to challenge him. And in the world of games, you were only as good as your opponent.

Near was the final sacrifice in this game of wits.

After all, they were all players. None of them was the grand master. That title belonged to the shinigami. Everyone else only played a role in this drama, him, Mello, L, Kira, even Near. That was the part Matt hated the most. How he died because someone else dictated him to die. But Mello needed him, and Matt couldn't live with the guilt of escaping everything, so he had willingly accepted his fate.

And so here he was, in his favorite striped shirt and fur-lined jacket, and without a few bullet holes. He was standing in a dimly lit room that resembled the banquet hall or main foyer of a medieval castle, in front of a dark cherry-wood desk, staring at a silver-haired, green-eyed girl who stared back at him with equal intensity.

"Name," she said, her voice ringing throughout the room. Matt wanted to ask her where he was, but he figured he was in some sort of afterlife. If only he could communicate this to the living world. He would crush so many people's dreams.

But he only replied, "Matt."

"There are no Matts scheduled to come here today. Are you sure that is your name?"

Well. He was dead. Perhaps he could spare some liberty with his hidden identity.

"Mail Jeevas."

"Ah," the girl said. "Jeevas. Interesting."

Matt didn't know what was so interesting about his name. And, besides, weren't shinigamis the ones who controlled the afterlife? He was sure they could see his name floating above his head or something, so why did this girl need to ask him?

"Do you prefer to be called Matt?"

"Yes," Matt said.

"Do you know someone by the name Mihael Keehl?"

Could it be? Was Mello going to--did he already die?

"He was supposed to come here after you," the girl said. "But there were some technical difficulties with the transportation system. Chronos has fixed that already, but nonetheless you were unfortunately delayed several days in coming here. I apologize on behalf of our entity, but rest assured that everything will proceed as normal."

Proceed as normal? Matt shook his head slightly. He had no idea what was going on, or what had happened in the world of the living. Was Mello dead? Already? Did he find out who Kira was? Everything seemed so rushed, and Matt didn't know what to think. Emotions. They were the bane of geniuses.

The girl clapped her hands together twice, and light shone from behind Matt. He turned around to see a door in front of him, suspended in mid-air and glowing with soft, silvery light.

"What is this?" Matt asked, even though he knew he shouldn't have. If she had wanted him to know, then she would tell him. But he was so bewildered, and he wanted so desperately to gain some control back to what was left of his life right now.

"Heaven," the girl replied. Matt turned back to look at her.

"Heaven?" It did not look like the heaven told in all of those stories Matt had learned as a little child. This heaven looked foreboding. This heaven was sad.

"Heaven is where those who have unfinished business go. Once you have accomplished your task, you'll find your way back here, and I will show you your way to the afterworld."

"But isn't heaven supposed to be where people go for eternal peace?"

The girl smiled, and Matt was reminded of the doors behind him.

"Not anymore. Heaven hasn't been a place of happiness since the Light lost his heart. It's a place of regret, right now. A place of atonement. But those are just general things. What heaven is to you, you will have to find out for yourself."

one.

Mello played with the strands of grass tickling his feet. What the hell. He was supposed to finally get Kira. He was supposed to finally be able to gloat in Near's face. He was supposed to go home that night and finish the last piece of chocolate in his fridge.

He wasn't supposed to be here, in this miserable, drab place, without even a pair of socks. What had the bitch with the green eyes said?

"We're sorry, but Chronos messed up the transportation lines, and unfortunately we lost your socks and shoes. Please accept our dearest apologies. We'll have another pair sent to you as soon as possible."

Seriously. What the hell.

He had punched the stupid brown table hard, but it didn't even dent. Where the fuck was he? Some sort of magical shit-hole?

And it gets worse, apparently. The green-eyed bitch told him as he was about to step through those silver doors that "your friend will be following you soon."

Like he had friends. She must've been mistaken, and took Matt as his friend. Which normally wouldn't have bothered him that much, but that meant that Matt was really, truly dead. Mello swallowed. It was all so infuriating. Near just had to do that, didn't he? Get rid of everyone who could compete with him?

Mello wanted to punch something again. But as he had discovered, everything in this world was perfect. So pristinely-fucking-perfect that no matter what he did to them, they always retained their poise.

So Mello naturally punched everything as hard as he could, as often as he could, until he got bored and sat down on the ground.

Which brought him to his current predicament with his lack of socks.

Damn it all.

Whoever this Chronos person was, Mello better not catch him around, or else he might go into a murderous rage. Not that he wasn't prone to do so before. But--

Red hair.

Mello squinted to make out Matt's familiar vest and striped shirt. And fully-clothed feet. That bastard had his socks, damn it.

"Oi! Matt!" Mello shouted as loudly as he could. Matt's head perked up, and Mello could see his smile when he saw the blond. "Get your lazy ass over here."

Matt obviously used that as an excuse to take as long as possible in getting to the patch of grass Mello had perched his own ass on.

"What's up?" Matt said, as soon as they were within normal-talking range.

"What do you think, idiot? We're fucking dead, that's what's up."

"I haven't noticed that," Matt said. "Thanks for telling me. So, tell me, how have we both ended up here? Why are you here?"

"I don't know," Mello said. He had some theories, but Mello wasn't sure what really happened. He had felt a wrenching pain in his chest. A heart attack. Either his rage fits were really that bad for him, or Kira had finally found out his name and face and had killed him off. Neither choice was appealing.

"What about you?" Mello asked instead. He didn't really want to talk about Matt's death, since he already knew what had happened, but he wanted to hear it from Matt's perspective.

"Gun shooting. They had me surrounded and they fired at me."

Mello closed his eyes. They had both failed. Failed and doomed to live in this rotten world until whatever it was that the bitch had told him he needed to do to get out of here was done. What the hell. Really.

In another world, perhaps, with a different Mello who had not gone through the pains this Mello had gone through, he might have cried. But this Mello had a rusted heart, and this Mello had forgotten what it meant to let everything go.

two.

Matt thought he had been here for several days, but he had no way of knowing for sure. This place sucked the energy from his already laconic state. The days stretched on for eons, especially since all Matt had to do was sit around and hear Mello complain.

That could get tiring after a while.

He didn't even have any games with him. Supposedly a brand new PSP and several state-of-the-art games were to be shipped to him, along with Mello's socks and shoes, but neither has arrived yet. So Matt was stuck listening to Mello complain about his bare feet and just about anything else without something to take his mind off of things.

There weren't even any other people here. Matt had explored the area a bit, but he had not found one soul, except occasionally when a silver-haired boy would come and tell him about the status of his package. His package, yes. His goddamn package that wasn't here yet because this Chronos person kept messing up the "transportation lines," whatever the hell that meant.

Prolonged exposure to Mello was rubbing off of him.

Matt sighed and stared up at the sky. It was a silvery color, a dullness that everything else in this world took on. This world--this heaven--was depressing.

He closed his eyes briefly, and when he opened them again, a pair of crimson eyes stared back at him.

Matt jumped. Or, at least, he looked as startled as someone like Matt could look like. The crimson eyes blinked at him, and then their owner, a girl with flowing black locks and a face that Matt knew he had seen somewhere, but he couldn't say where, spoke.

"Hi. Are you new here?"

"Yeah," Matt said. "The name's Matt."

"Rena," the girl said. "Do you live around here?"

"You just asked me if I was new, and now you ask if I live around here?"

Rena smiled. "Many newcomers come to this place, but they don't know where to go from here. I was simply asking if you had been to Anna Marie yet."

"Anna Marie? Is that a country?"

"No," Rena said. "We're in Kaniol right now. Anna Marie is Kaniol's capital. It's a way from here, but it's the closest city around. I come here every two weeks or so to bring the newcomers over."

"I thought this was heaven?"

"Oh, it is heaven. It's divided into several countries, but Kaniol is most definitely the nicest one."

Matt frowned. This place was making less and less sense, and this strangely familiar girl wasn't making matters any better.

"Do you want to come with me? Once in Kaniol, there are lots of other people like you, and maybe you can get started on your personal enlightenment quest."

"Sure," Matt said. He didn't have anything better to do anyway. "I'll just go and find my friend, if that's okay with you?"

Rena nodded. Oh, Mello was going to be so happy. A city. More people to annoy. And maybe, if he was lucky, this city would be technologically advanced enough that Matt wouldn't have to wait for his package to arrive. It sounded promising. Too promising.

"Why are you here?" Matt asked.

"In this meadow? To guide the newcomers, of course."

"No," Matt said. "In heaven. What's your reason?"

Rena fixed her large, mesmerizing eyes onto Matt, and he suddenly realized why she looked familiar. She held the same qualities that permeated this place. That same longing sadness.

"I... I am here to change what cannot be changed."

three.

When Mello stepped inside the walls of Anna Marie, he saw a brunette he had an instinctive feeling he should hate. And Mello's instincts were none to be reasoned with. It took Matt's stern glance to hold him back, and even so, he could not resist growling at the man.

"You," the brunette said. "You're the guy who kidnapped Kiyomi, aren't you?"

He was talking to Matt, but Mello was the one who responded.

"So what? Who are you?"

"You're involved as well?" The brunette said. "You're... you're Mihael Keehl."

It wasn't a question. It was a statement. Mello narrowed his eyes. To know his name, then--

"You're Kira."

The brunette frowned. "Not anymore. My name's Light. Yagami Raito."

Of course. Kira was dead as well. Did that mean that Near finally won? Mello scowled as he imagined what the albino brat could be up to. Nothing good, that was for sure.

"I'm Matt, while we're at the introductions." Matt said.

Light shook Matt's hand. Mello ignored both of them in his bout of fuming.

"I don't get this," Light said. "Ryuk--he's the shinigami that was with me while I had the death note--he told me that the shinigami lived in this really boring world where they just sat around gambling all day long. So where are we? And why aren't there any shinigami here?"

"Interesting question, Yagami-kun. While I have several theories to this question, I do not have enough definitive proof to support any of those theories."

Mello's eyes widened. That could only be one person.

"L," Mello hissed. If there was one person he was more mad at than Near or Kira, it would be L. It was so infuriating, how he had even tried to suggest that Mello and Near work together. Him, and Near, for God's sake. It was like asking the rabbit and the fox to build a house together. And Mello liked to envision himself as the fox.

"Mello," L said. "How nice to meet you here. Quite a splendid surprise, I must say. When I first came here I wondered if everyone in our predicament came to this world, or if they fell into the other countries Miss Rena had kindly mentioned. However, with all of you arriving here, I must say there is a high probability that all new people come here first."

Mello wanted to strangle someone. He didn't even have to put up an act anymore. Near had won. Near had fucking won, and he was dead in some crazy place, stuck with an L probably high on sugar, a reproachful Kira, and a bored Matt.

Life (no pun intended) couldn't get any worse, could it?

So Mello mentally made a note of the people he should direct his violent energy towards.

1. Chronos, whoever he was. (Mello still hadn't received his socks yet. Or shoes.)

2. Kira, for somehow killing him, whatever it was that he did.

3. L, for being L and generally irritating.

4. Near, for being alive.

Mello was so absorbed in making his list that he didn't realize how easily--and unnervingly--the once arch-nemesis pair placed behind their old rivalries and worked together to solve the puzzle that had the four of them confused. He didn't see the sadness that began reflecting in L and Light's eyes, and the way Matt seemed more solemn than usual.

four.

In his usual way, Matt glanced at the group he was staying with in as nonchalant a way as possible. While L and Near could be said to be emotionless, Matt was best at hiding his emotions. It had been a necessary trait in dealing with Mello, and it had stuck with him as the years went by.

Right now, Matt wondered what would have happened had he not tried to please Mello so much. He would have gotten punched multiple times, he supposed. But as long as his fingers were fine, Matt didn't see a problem with that. A broken nose could heal.

"It's not as simple as that."

Matt turned around and saw a pair of crimson eyes.

"Hey," he said. "I haven't seen you since we came here."

"I'm always around," Rena said. "You just don't know where to look."

Matt pondered that for a moment. "Whatever it is you have to do, does it have to be here? Is that why you're always here?"

"Yes," Rena said. "Only here."

"So, how do you know what it is you have to do? Because I think that everything is fine with my life. I mean, granted, I died because of someone else, but it's not like I can kill them."

"Your reason does not have to relate to your death. It could simply be something you should have done while you were alive, but did not have the chance to do so."

"So how do you know what, exactly, this thing is?"

Rena fiddled with her hair. "For me, I had always known. I came here because this was the only place I could be to accomplish that goal."

"Wait, you mean, you killed yourself?"

"No," Rena said. "But one does not need to die to come here. It's just, normally, people don't need to come here to finish what they need to do, so they don't come here unless they've died."

Matt thought this over. Apparently this heaven was a place that the living could come to as well. Then, was the reverse possible?

"If I'm dead, can I get out of here and go back to the living world?"

"Is that what you really want?"

"Yeah," Matt said. "I want a normal life. I want Mello and Near and maybe even L in my life, as normal people, not as people I have to compete against. I want them as my friends without complications. I want to live my life the way I want to, not the way other people have told me to live."

Matt paused to catch his breath. He had never divulged so many "wants" before, not once in his life. What he wanted had never mattered. It was always what was good for him, or what other people wanted of him. It felt exhilarating, being able to express his personal desires for once, and once he said them out, he knew that they were what he had wanted for his entire life.

Rena smiled at him. "I could possibly help, but I need you to help me with something as well."

"Okay," Matt said.

five.

Mello inwardly cursed. He wanted out, yes, but he didn't want to have to indulge in such a frivolous plan. It was reckless, even he knew that. And something Mello deemed reckless had to be reckless, because Mello was all about the risky.

But this was Matt who was persuading him, and Mello would rather trust Matt over Kira any day. He trusted L more under normal circumstances, but L was probably in a sugar-induced coma by now, so Mello had to--grudgingly--cross him off the list.

So here he was, in front of a set of wrought-iron gates that led to Kaniol's supposed royal family. Behind the gate, several buffed security guards stood, their eyes glittering with testosterone.

In a match of wits, Mello probably could win, hands down. In a match of wits, you didn't need hands.

But in real life, as it was, Mello, with his scrawny self, only stood to beat people like L and Near in a match of fitness. He didn't even stand a chance against Matt, and the gamer locked himself indoors whenever possible.

"Yo," Mello drawled. "Rena, how the hell do we get past those guards and get in there?"

"With a plan," Rena replied. "Look, the two of you are acting as my personal security, and I'm pretending to be a upper-class noblewoman. If we look like the part, they will send someone to ask for clarification, which means they will bring my note to the prince. If he sees the note, he will come down, I'm sure of it."

"Why can't you go yourself, if it's that simple?"

"All the noblewomen in this country have accompaniments. I had asked other people before, but they chickened out at the last moment."

"So we go with you," Matt said. "We stand there silent while you lie to the guards, and then we wait as your note gets delivered to the prince."

"Yes, basically."

It sounded like a simple enough plan to Mello.

But simple plans were normally the ones that backfired the easiest.

Mello frowned. Was it even possible to die if he was already dead? If he couldn't, then he supposed he really had nothing to lose. Torture was nothing against Mello. He had been trained to withstand that. There really wasn't anything else he feared, except maybe being stuck here forever.

He refocused his eyes. Rena was walking half a foot in front of them: not too far out of their reach, but still within a respectable distance. She must have researched this well. Mello briefly wondered what the note could say. Whatever. It wasn't like it mattered. All he needed to do was pretend. And Mello was very, very good at pretending.

"Madam," one of the guards said as the three tried to go through the gates. "This is a restricted area. Only members of the royal family and their guests may enter."

"Yes," Rena said. "And I am a guest of the family."

"Name?"

"That is not important."

"Excuse our imprudence, but how can we be sure you are who you say you are?"

"You have a valid point. Very well, I have a message for the prince, and I would like it delivered to him, and a response back to me. You may, in your unchivalrous manner, deny me entrance. However, I must have an answer, in any way possible."

The guard looked back at his companions, who only shrugged.

"What is your message? I will bring it to the prince."

Rena took out a silver envelope and handed it to the guard, who immediately started running towards the castle. Another guard opened the gates and bowed.

"We may not let you into the castle, but you may stay here, on the grounds, so as not to be disturbed by the passersby. I am sorry, that is the best we can do."

"That's fine," Rena said. She motioned for Mello and Matt to come in. Mello didn't forget to glare at each and every single guard after he crossed the boundary.

He hoped whatever the note said was fucking worth all of this, because the collar of his uniform was starting to scratch at his neck and he was becoming very, very pissed off.

But Mello kept quiet and resorted to glaring at the castle doors instead. He blamed the atmosphere. Ever since he came here, he felt like something in the air was sucking away his emotions. It was as if something was dampening his soul. But Mello was not one to believe in souls, so he just grumbled to himself.

six.

Later on, Matt would say he had known the result all along. He would say he had known from the very beginning, ever since he promised Mello he would distract the crowd so they could kidnap Kiyomi.

Mello always scoffed when he said that, because really, there was no way Matt could have known. If Matt had known all along, then he would have known he would have died, and that the plan would have failed, and so Matt could have nicely told Mello to abandon the plan before they embarked on the details and actually got their asses kicked.

Near would then say that Mello had a 14% chance of listening to Matt.

And Mello would, as Near predicted with increasing accuracy, huff and bite down hard on his piece of chocolate.

Matt sometimes wondered what happened that night. He wondered if it was fate that helped him out, because really, there was no way everything that happened that night were complete coincidences. He remembered the prince--Prescott, as Rena introduced him--coming out from behind the castle doors, with his dazzling but sorrow-filled eyes and brilliant blond hair. He remembered Rena running towards the prince. He remembered the guards shooting at her. He remembered the screams, the blood, and the tears.

What had Rena said?

"What I can only do here--is to die."

Matt didn't understand back then. Why would someone who was alive want to die, when he himself wanted to live when he was dead? But he saw Rena's content smile, and he decided not to ask. She was happy, he told himself, and that was what mattered.

He remembered Prescott holding Rena's hands. He remembered feeling the world around them slowly fading, and Mello's desperate shouts in an attempt to keep everything under control. He remembered seeing Prescott's dazzling blue eyes, and hearing his voice, asking them where it was that they wanted to go.

Home, Matt had said. I want to go home.

He remembered losing consciousness, and then there was a period of time he didn't remember. When he opened his eyes again, he was standing in front of a cherry-wood door, with Mello by his side.

"What the hell are we supposed to do?" Mello had asked.

"I don't know," Matt had said. "Maybe ring the doorbell?"

He pointed to the button to Mello's right, and Mello rolled his eyes while pressing the doorbell. They both strained their ears, trying to hear if anyone was home. After a few scuffling, the door opened, and...

A mop of white hair poked out.

Mello screeched in the most un-Mello-like manner possible. The mop of white hair paid no heed to the strange sounds and proceeded to wrap his arms around the stunned teen as if Mello wasn't trying to destroy the eardrums of everyone within a ten-mile radius.

"There was a 5% chance you would come back, Mello," was all Near had said.

Near had left Mello gaping like a goldfish while he greeted Matt. And Matt had smiled, a genuine smile.

(the end)