A 250-Word Fortune (Cookie Slip)

I don’t know what the admissions people are thinking.

Even the fact that I’m referring to them as “the admissions people” prove that I am out of tune with them. I am sure they are individuals with vibrant personalities and a love for their school, but it’s hard to imagine that when I’m imagining them reading my essay. All I can imagine is a room lit with some overhead lamp and a wooden desk with tons of qualified students’ essays in a pile, and my essay is being read, and there’s no face associated with that person. I just can’t do it.

I am having trouble writing my Penn essay. The essay people at CC say is just a revamped (and more specific) version of the traditional “Why Penn” essay. I beg to differ. In my (truthful) “Why Penn” essay, I would write, “I fell in love with Penn from the first day I heard of it, which was in a crossword puzzle from the New York Times.” And that would most likely not go well, but that is what I think when I hear, “Why Penn?”

In this new essay, I am supposed to explain what I am going to do when (if) I go to Penn. Honestly? I don’t think I can tell you that, and if I did, it’ll most likely be a lie. Two years ago I thought I’d be taking precalc this year, not to mention two frees and (if I was lucky) maybe stat. And you know how that one turned out. What I’m trying to say is that I don’t think I can appreciate all of what Penn is like just from their website and a rainy-day tour (which I haven’t written about yet). I know there are things that I am going to find fascinating that I don’t even know about yet. And I know I’m supposed to write with what I know now, but it just doesn’t feel real.

It’s all too trite, I think.

I’m writing about how I love math (isn’t that one obvious?) and how I want to major in math. But there’s only so far I can go with this. I’m talking applied, and connections, and fundamental skills, and they’re rolling on my tongue but they’re so detached I don’t think this is what I really want. I mean, I want the math, yes. But I want to experience moments of, “Aha! I can solve this problem using that technique I learned in math class!” I want those moments, not just talks of theory and abstract problems. I guess that’s also a reason I never quite liked algebra. Too abstract and intangible, unlike geometry (well, the geometry we’re learning, anyway).

This essay isn’t really tangible, either. It’s asking me to imagine the intangible, conditional future. For one, I have to be accepted first (and that, in turn, depends in part on this essay). I’m afraid to imagine that (in case I jinx it) but I could if I had to. Then I have to not change my mind, because if I do I don’t know what I’ll change it to (and if I did know I think I’d change my mind right now). And then, I’ve got to imagine a limited, lackluster Penn, because a few lines of text and some blurry pictures don’t quite capture the spirit of things, and I’ve got to imagine what I’m going to do in this toned-down version of the school.

I’m also sad they took away the autobiography optional essay. I rather liked that one. Yes, it can also be about the future (and its intangible qualities), but it’s more creative. I know everyone wants to know if these applicants (myself included) are best suited for the schools, but they have got to realize that people are applying to lots of schools that ask the same question, and beyond the first school (that gut-feeling school) I don’t think anyone can really say too many passionate things (there must be a reason why these schools weren’t chosen as “the one”).

Yes, I am frustrated. I can write hundreds of words for this post, and for my Chicago extended essay, and even for MIT, but those 250 words Penn is asking me to write is eluding me. And I wish I knew how to get over this semi-writer’s block (or would it be an essayist’s block?) and just finish writing my essays and be done with it. I wish I knew.

So, basically, I want to know both what the admissions people are thinking, and also what my subconscious mind is thinking. I guess the latter is easier to achieve, because I really want to go into researching neuroscience and especially the subconscious mind and dreams. As for the former, perhaps that will happen after I am accepted into college and when (if) I help out with the admissions people.