Why X? Part I

From my personal experience, colleges like to ask, "Why -insert relevant school name here-?" Supposedly to weed out the students who have absolutely no idea why they want to go to a certain school and just picked it arbitrarily.

Well, I'm sorry to say this, but I am such a student. I mean, yes, I know why, say, I want to go to Penn or MIT, but why Williams? Why Dartmouth? Why University of Narnia?

(Okay, I would attend the University of Narnia for obvious reasons. But I digress.)

Anyway, I thought I might answer this question for a few schools that come to mind. To, well, get my brain flowing and to get these thoughts out of the way. (Disclaimer: None of these are exactly true. They are merely exaggerations and parodies.)

Why Amherst?

From the moment I heard about your "thousand acre view"—and yes, it is a "thousand acre view," not a "thousand acre playground for all to use"—I have realized that Amherst is the perfect school for me. What other school could possibly provide me with a small campus and a view that I will most likely never experience up-front?

Don't get me wrong, I am all for views—I am a budding artist, you see, but I am a bit nearsighted. If I painted things that were close enough for clarity for most people but not close enough for me, my paintings would be all blurry and people would think I am an Impressionist, which I am not and never will be. But if it is far away enough, then everyone sees the view blurred and my poor eyesight is only a private matter between you, me, and the rest of the blogosphere.

Why Brown?

I love Brown's idea that as eighteen and nineteen year olds, we can be responsible enough to choose our own futures. I mean, it's not like we're the bunch of kids who routinely binge-drink and throw up for fun, right? I love this sense of trust placed into me. I am all for trust. Trust is good because then no one ever suspects me when something bad happens.

I also absolutely adore (note the alliteration?) Brown's brick red walls that scream, "Hey, look, we want you to drown in this color that is the worst for your eyes!" Because I wear glasses and feel rather self-conscious about it, and would prefer it if everyone else could wear glasses along with me (although I suppose contacts would defy the point).

Why Chicago?

Chicago has got to be the most unique school ever. It has coffee shops on campus! I cannot survive without my daily coffee in the morning. There is this annoying guy who always tries to harass me in the mornings but when he sees coffee in my hand he somehow thinks that I will dump it on him (which I could, but I am not that mean) and therefore runs away. So coffee is vital, and I am glad there will be plenty available on campus.

Aside from that, Chicago also has the most unique essay questions ever, which must be a representation of how unique the school is as a whole. And Chicago does not have an engineering school, so I can successfully crush my parents' dreams that I will become a second-generation engineer by attending this school and pursuing a major in caffeine studies instead.

Why Columbia?

I love Columbia's miniature campus! Mini-things are all the rage these days, and the fact that Columbia's campus is so small will be such a hit! When I go to parties and people start bragging about their small campuses, I will only have to say, "I go to Columbia," and everyone will hush in awe and jealousy.

The fact that if you walk for five minutes you will reach the other end of the campus is also a good thing. When I have hit the snooze button for the twentieth time in the morning and realize that I only have ten minutes to get to class, I would rather be able to spend five minutes putting on my make-up and five minutes dashing to class instead of all ten minutes dashing to class. It's always good to be prepared and look your best, right?